Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
iSnack 3.0?
I hope the last option wins.
It looks like the same panel that selected the iSnack 2.0 has come up with this short list. Good to see no one lost their jobs.
I also think it's undemocratic to not include the iSnack 2.0.
A Brief History of the iSnack 2.0
Every now and then something happens which is so impossibly stupid that I feel a bit giddy.
When I heard about the iSnack 2.0 I felt drunk and glee. Or drunken glee. I'm not sure what it was but it was good.
What's not to love about the name iSnack 2.0?
Nothing.
There is nothing not to love about the name iSnack 2.0.
Firstly, it reeks of desperation. A desperate attempt to scrape the sparkle off some buzzwords and paste it onto your own product. An attempt by Marketing Professionals to sound fresh and contemporary which ends up being awkward and dated.
Kraft didn't realise that it was the Apple products themselves that made the "i" cool, not the other way around.
This savoury spread that looks like Nutella doesn't really stack up against the industrial design and usability of the iPod, or iPhone.
Poor little iSnack 2.0.
And God bless the poor little Kraft Pacific Strategic Marketing Department.
Imagine the brand building workshops they must have gone through. 4 weeks of intense, facilitated workshops to pick the winner. Ensure the final choice was aligned to the brand architecture, the brand essence. The brand personality. The brand chemistry.
All this for a savoury spread that looks like the contents of a nappy.
These workshops would have started early. The office junior would have come in early to set up the room. Mini muffins and pots of coffee provided for breakfast. Her hair would still be wet because she didn't leave enough time before he train left.
The workshops would have required working lunch. Because hey - we've got such a tight schedule and we have a lot to get through, guys. Sushi bill be brought in. Groovy sushi, with ponzu instead of wasabi and made by thatreallygreatplaceuptheroad.
Ordering in Pizza at night with a "it's going to be yet a long night again guys", which would cause a ripple of smug chuckles around the boardroom table. This pizza came from thatotherreallygreatplaceuptheroad. Ithas cherry tomatoes and fresh basil leaves; Parma ham and black olives with the pits still in them.
The facilitator standing in front of the whiteboard, which still has the blue and red mindmap they created yesterday. The green and the black markers were dry but the facilitator placed them back in the tray rather than the bin.
Some of the older ones in the room only vaguely recognised the term "2.0". They were old enough to be brave enough to admit that they didn't understand.
The young guy in the fauxhawk rolled his eyes as he explained to everyone in the room what it means: this surefire marketing buzzword that couldn't fail. He explained it in such detail that people were left wondering whether he knew what he was talking about. No one dared ask questions for fear he would keep going.
There were some in the room who said to themselves "I initially thought this sounded dumb but it must be me who's dumb because everyone else here fucking loves it."
Others in the room must have been thinking "this sounds really stupid but I'm too junior to say anything. I hope I've got a new job before it comes out.".
The advertising strategist consultant who advised that Kraft must not to run consumer focus groups in case of a leak. We know how to ensure we are aligned to what our consumers want, she told them.
This coming from Kraft's senior marketing executive who - 2 months later - sat in this same boardroom thinking to himself "iSnack 2.0? I don't get it. Everyone else seems to get it. What's wrong with me? Is that why they picked on me at school? OK you'd better say something soon so people remember you're in charge." He's the one who is now announcing that
"the winning entry was chosen for its personal call to action and clear identification of a new and different Vegemite".
I was talking to J today about what must be now happening at Kraft's offices here.
The conference calls with Global Marketing: loud American accents screaming down the phone. Muffled stammers and awkward silences in West Ryde.
They immediately despatch their big guns down to the colony. The American Marketing Executive arrives in a Purple power suit. It looks like Armani but really is a copy she had made in Thailand during a recent business trip. You can tell by the distinctive sheen of the fabric she selected from the bolt ("Silky"). She has never worn it in New York but thinks Australians won't be able to tell the difference. She has a long blonde bob, pulled back by an age-inappropriate Alice band. Her flight arrives at 6.20am, on time (it wouldn't dare not), and she heads straight to the office for a series of emergency meetings. The first person she sees when she arrives is a girl with wet hair.
The Sydney branch of the international PR agency who has been appointed to mop up this mess. They are at Purple's first meeting. A team of senior sycophants who suck up her arse, nodding while she instructs them to perform a series of obvious first steps that they have already completed. They are all "great" and "excellent feedback" and "he he ... you've obviously done this before" while secretly thinking she is an idiot. In the taxi back to their office they make jokes about her Alice band.
The Kraft Executive who signed-off on the final approval of the winning name. He is not turning up to the conference calls with Global. This is important step in distancing himself from the problem. Teflon. He is currently deciding which of his employees will be the Spokesperson, forced into being humiliated in front of TV cameras. He is deciding which executive will be forced into breaking the news to Spokesperson. High grade Teflon.
Poor little iSnack 2.0.
I hope it makes the short list because I'm voting for it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
iSnack 2.0 Will Never Die ...
... not if it's up to me, anyways.
In honour of the iSnack 2.0, this blog is hereby dedicated to marketing fuck-ups and other vagaries of the business world. A corporate Darwin Awards, as it were.
In the meantime another blog lives here ... and she's a-lookin' f-company ... if y-know what I mean ... [wink].
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